host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
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When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Fiction has to make sense.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.