Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.