Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
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yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives