out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
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I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Bike for sale
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.