Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
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According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Pickled cat.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Harsh but fair
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Peter Parker Peter Driver
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or