cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
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ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *