Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
You Might Also Like
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
The only equipped I am is ill.
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.