Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
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Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.