Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
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i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
peak technology
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.