My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
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Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.