Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
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Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Facebook marketplace is a different world
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
“you recording!?”
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest