“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
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Become ungovernable.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.