[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
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Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*