My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
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911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️