A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
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Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
But I really needed water water water
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook