Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
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I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?