Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
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Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
that’s really how it is
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene