therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
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[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
dutch so unserious
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
From Facebook just now…
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad