Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
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Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
I cannot stop laughing at this
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.