A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
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It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”