*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
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[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
set yourself free xox
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”