Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
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Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]