My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
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My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Air conditioning – not a fan
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)