My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
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And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
こいつ天才
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.