When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
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“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
I don’t get marriage
Bread puns are on the rise!
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Hot Hot Hot
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake