went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
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Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Banking tips
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet