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Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.