If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
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My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet