Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
You Might Also Like
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.