I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
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Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
dictator is short for richard potato
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women