Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
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Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.