One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
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[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”