Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
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Breaking news:
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.