Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
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Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Ok, but like, how married are you?
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse