“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
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[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?