You Might Also Like
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*