my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
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[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Respect