*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
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(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
This is my pinned tweet
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
This is always good for a laugh.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough