*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
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Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
my dad has had enough
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.