Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
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I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Does this dress make me look cat?
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
🤣🤣🤣
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”