Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
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[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
gentlemen, hear me out
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Pot warmers of the day.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.