Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
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Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
the last thing a carrot sees
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.