I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
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Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
me refusing to leave twitter
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.