[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
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BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one