Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
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Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
me hooking up with my ex
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.