If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
You Might Also Like
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
.. do you even science?
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.