Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
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Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Mornin
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!