If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
You Might Also Like
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Just say no
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
This pepper has seen some shit
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.