When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
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My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich