My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
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Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.